The "Weight" of Pregnancy

Sigh. 

I know that many women my age often look back on their high school and college days and wish we were that size...when at that time we thought we were "fat." Crazy how time, perspective, and confidence change as we get older. It's a good change...but crazy!

But that doesn't always make things easier. Pregnancy always brings up fears and insecurities when it comes to weight gain and the attempt to lose the weight after baby. 

I had found myself in a pretty good mind set when it came to body image and weight as I approached 40. I was consistently active, my current clothes fit, and I had a decent balance to healthy nutrition and enjoying happy hour and date nights without feeling guilty. I still had a good 15-20 lbs. of "baby weight" added to my pre kid days...but at the moment I was ok with it. I wasn't willing to give up everything that was needed to lose it. And that's ok. 

Then I found myself pregnant again. 

With twins. 

Sigh. 

Pregnancy weight for me with my previous singletons ranged from 35-45 lb. gain. My anxiety with pregnancy weight goes all the way back to my first two pregnancies and the doctor I was seeing at that time. She was a good doctor, and I didn't have any issues with her initially. But as time went on she would always bring up the fact that I was gaining more than the recommended weight for my BMI. 

When I was at my 2nd appointment, pregnant with baby #2, my doctor brought up the fact that I had gained 8 lbs. since my last appointment. No account taken for time of day, what I was wearing, and that I had just finished a cleanse before the previous appointment. I left feeling deflated and determined to make sure it wasn't an issue at my next appointment. 4 weeks later and I was so relieved that I had only gained ONE pound. Her concern. That I had already gained 9 total. Sheesh! I thought, I can't win with you. And... I wouldn't have to. She was giving up the OB part of her practice and I would be switching to a new doctor. A man. 

I was nervous to meet with him the first time and have him see how much weight I had gained. But at this office they weigh you in kilograms. Unless you are REALLY good at math or specifically Google the conversion, you don't have to know how much you weigh. That was a good start. (Of course, I Googled it then...but still, a good start). The doctor came in and he looked at my chart. 

I still remember his exact words. 

"Blood pressure looks good, weight good, iron levels good.  How are you feeling?" 

That's it. That is the only thing he ever said about pregnancy weight gain. I cannot tell you how relieved I was and how much better I felt after that appointment. There was never any concern with my weight, ever. It was so different than what I had experienced before. 

So, finding out I was pregnant with twins initially brought up some old anxieties with how much weight I would gain. The twin websites all say that the expected weight gain for twins should range from 37-54 lbs., and I usually find myself on the higher end of weight gain ranges. I already gained the "twin weight" with singleton babies FOUR times. Sigh

But maybe it's my "advanced maternal age" or the fact that we have so much else going on during this phase in our journey, or just knowing the little attention my doctor and his staff has paid to my pregnancy weight gain in the past... I decided not to worry about it. 

Easier said than done. 

But, for some reason (again...advanced maternal age?). It has worked. I haven't weighed myself every day (or even every week), I haven't Googled the conversion from kilograms to pounds. I know where I am, but it doesn't bother me. 

I will say, my body seems to just be doing what it's supposed to do. I'm feeling exactly the way I should feel at this stage of a multiple pregnancy. I'm tired. I don't sleep well. I need frequent breaks. I can't breathe well. I hurt. 

But...I can function through my day. The laundry is caught up, the kids are fed and the floor vacuumed (an almost daily necessity thanks to the dog and living on a dirt road). I've learned to make adjustments to our weekly dinner menu based on how I feel, and my kids have been great about helping pick up things around the house...especially anything that might make be bend over to pick up off the floor. Things just take me a little longer to complete. I have good blood pressure, I haven't had much swelling, and the babies are growing just as they should.

All in all, I'm feeling goodish. We have 7 weeks max left before the little babies are here and I have a whole new world to try to figure out! 

August 1st and A Different Side of Summer

Today is a day I've been waiting for. August 1st. 

It holds no real significance, but it's the day that I've been anticipating since I turned in my resignation letter in May. August 1st is usually the day that I go back to work in my classroom. It's not the "required reporting day for teachers," it's just always been my way of finding a balance between my two "jobs" over the summer. I always went back to school a week earlier than required. This allowed me to enjoy all of June completely "school free" and dabble in some planning ideas and tech stuff when I felt like it in July (some years I did more than others). But August 1 found me usually dusting off my desk and organizing my classroom space so I can prepare lessons and activities for the new year. 

I've been waiting for this day because I'm usually ready. I'm excited to be back. To breathe life into the new lessons I've brainstormed and to get ahead of the game, so I felt confident and ready when the new crop of students walked in my room. I loved the quite solitude of my classroom, which was a direct change from the loud chaos of life at Weber Haus.

When I resigned in May I was completely at peace with the decision. But that's May. May is a hard month for teachers (and especially hard for teacher moms who have school obligations on both the teacher and kid side). It's easy to feel confident about a decision to walk away from one of the two things that are literally burning the candle at both ends. 

But would I be as confident in August? When the excitement and passion for teaching are at its peak? Would I still be at peace with the decision? 

The answer actually surprised me a bit. Yes. I'm just as confident and happy with the decision to stay home as I was in May. In fact, I've experienced very little-to-no stress at all. It's strange. 

I mean I am pregnant with twins so there are other things keeping me busy and exhausted, but I really never knew about "this side" of summer. 

The side of summer that didn't dread the 4th of July because that meant the downhill slide towards the end. 

The side of summer that didn't see me forced to try to get ALL the appointments for the kids and myself done that first week of August. I have time to spread it out. I have the flexibility to get things accomplished when the kids go back to school. There's no "end date" on my productivity at home (which is a good thing because it seems to take me three times as long to get tasks done these days).

The side of summer that I wasn't trying to figure out daycare for the first week I'd voluntarily go back and the next week of required meetings. 

The side of summer that doesn't force me to balance my required open house, in-services, and back to school supply shopping with kids' and "meet your teacher nights."

The side of summer that allows me to still take my kids on mini vacations, the pool, and do fun activities with them for two whole weeks in August. 

The side of summer that I don't have to try to sneak a look at curriculum mapping, assessments, and reaching out to new teachers to welcome them. 

Don't get me wrong...I did enjoy doing a lot of that, but it did come with a price. A price I'm just now learning about. A stress that I don't think I truly realized was so much a part of me that I had grown so accustomed to it. I didn't even register it as something that could go away.

Will I miss teaching? Parts of it. The kids. Goodness I've had the opportunity to be around some awesome teens who definitely give hope for the future and make the work better. I'll miss specific lessons that I've created and loved teaching. I can't think of my "Migrant Mother" or "Strange Fruit" lessons without feeling sad that I won't get to lead those this year. I'll miss the collaboration sessions with my colleagues when we take and idea to fruition. I'll miss the fun gatherings at the local breweries with the staff after parent/teacher conferences and before football games. I'll miss the quite classroom I would sit in and grade or tidy or create when I needed to get out of the house just to "be alone." (mom's get it.)

But I also know, without a doubt, that I am incredibly thankful that I don't have to try to get ready for a day of teaching when I can barely make it through the first 3 hours of my day without "sitting for a quick rest." I'm so happy that I've been able to spend my summer just focusing on family and not creating another "maternity leave binder." I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be at this point in the journey, and that peace is comforting. I love that I get six weeks to prepare for life with twins while my big kids start school. I love that I didn't feel like I had to have everything ready for babies by the time school starts. I still have time. And that time is a huge blessing.

Here's to two more weeks of pool time and a slower-paced start to a new school year. Cause by October...life will look VERY different!