Stupid Calendar

I lay here in bed tonight, almost an hour past my normal bedtime awake and thinking.

I can't stop thinking.

I have had an amazing day, spent with wonderful family celebrating the 50 year marriage of my in-laws.

Not going to lie...part of the reason I am still awake is that I ate WAY too much food and the baby inside my tummy didn't leave enough room for it all so I feel like the BBQ and cake are hanging around my throat somewhere.

But that's not the main reason I'm thinking.

I did something stupid.  Something I have been avoiding like the plague for the last month.

I looked at a calendar.

I have less than three weeks left before my summer officially ends and the school year begins.  I have known that this was coming.  I have known that school was just around the corner.  But somehow looking at the calendar makes it all seem much more REAL.

Now I am slightly stressing out and growing more and more panicked as I  think.

I have not done ANYTHING school related in many weeks.

I have avoided ANY educational articles.

I haven't even wanted to TALK about school stuff, unless it involved someway to move the start of the school year back, oh...maybe another two months.

And now, here I am three weeks away from reporting to school, and two weeks away from dropping Jackie off at daycare instead of enjoying our lovely days at the pool, park, or just out running errands.  

My school to-do list has barely even been looked at.  And there are MANY things on that list.

I thought last year was hard going back to work after having almost 5 months off.  This year is worse.

I am missing the desire.

It's just not there.

I am waiting for it to show up.  It always has before.

Unfortunately, this is the longest I have ever had to wait for the urge to get back in the classroom.  To get back to the work-day routine.

And now I'm worried it won't come.

This thought makes me sad.  I never wanted to be that kind of teacher.  I never lived for the summers.  Have I lost my passion?  Or have my priorities simply changed??

I just keep thinking over and over again...  I will be dropping MY CHILD off for SOMEONE ELSE to watch, while I go spend my days with OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN. The logic just doesn't make sense to me.

I know thousands of teachers and coaches do this every single day.

I just don't want to.

And maybe now that I've written it down and hit "publish" I will be able to sleep.