As a Senior in high school, I weighed 180 pounds. To an 18 year-old young lady that number was mortifying. I can't even begin to count the number of hours I spent in the locker room with other girls who were 60 lbs lighter (and complained about it...).
I didn't want ANYONE to know.
It was always on my mind.
I even had a teacher one time say to me "great volleyball game last night, but wow, if you were 20 lbs. lighter, just think what you could do."
Yeah, really.
I just couldn't escape it.
And then I went off to college to play volleyball, and I was so excited. Not just for the volleyball, but because I KNEW that with the intense workout I would finally lose those 20 lbs. After the 14 days of incredibly intense 3-a-day practices, one devoted solely to conditioning, plus an extra hour of weight training, I was ready to get on the scale.
178.
Seriously?? Ugh!
I decided then and there to stop looking at numbers. I started noticing that other girls around me would be a smaller size with a smaller number, but they didn't look as good. It may sound self-centered, but it worked. My self-confidence started to rise. Rather than compare numbers, I compared people.
Fast-forward another five or six years. Ignoring numbers and comparing people had brought on a whole other set of problems. First of all, I was still comparing how other people looked to me, but now I think in my head I was still comparing the 178 lb. athlete from college.
Which I definitely wasn't.
Ignoring the numbers had allowed for me to let the number get out of control. All the way up to 240 before I finally did something about it.
What did I do? What life-changing moment would "wake me up" and get me going?
I started dating Ethan.
This was HUGE.
Two rules I had for myself when we first started dating.
#1: Don't eat more than him.
#2: If he tried to lose weight, so would I
For the first rule, that helped big time. Ethan, is not the typical guy eater, at least not what I was typically used to. He didn't completely load up his plate with food, devour it and go back for more. He didn't eat a entire pizza. He had two pieces. My rule meant that I had to either eat less than he did or the same amount. For someone who grew up with some very skewed portion sizes, this was probably one of the most beneficial things in life. Training myself to eat less.
He started to lose weight, so did I.
I took up golfing and swam at least a mile a day.
These two new rules alone helped me to shed 50 lbs in less than one year! I then adopted another rule.
Get on the scale. Pay attention to numbers again. Numbers don't lie.
I stopped comparing myself to other people and how they looked and started to just be happy with where I was and what I had accomplished. And being REALISTIC. As long as I stayed within a little 5 pound bubble of 190-195 I was happy.
However.
What did the future hold? The relationship progressed, we got married, kids were sure to come. Ugh. Looking into the future sure looked daunting.
Gain weight for baby.
lose weight.
Gain again for baby #2.
Lose weight again.
It sure sounded exhausting and scary. (And it still does)
However, I now have a new tool in my back pocket to help.
A program that fits what I believe.
Be realistic. Make simple changes that have huge payoff. And of course EAT.
I will talk a little more about this program another time, it deserves a post all to itself.
The point is. 12 years later, no longer 18 and I'm back to looking at numbers, but in a different way. I keep track of the number just so I don't get out of control. I no longer compare. No longer do I look at someone and say "well her number is lower so she must be healthier" or "she's wearing a smaller size, but I still look better." No more comparisons. Just making sure that I feel good about myself and where I am. How do I feel? Am I setting a good, healthy, and realistic example for my kids?
Because in the end if I am not happy with myself, only I can do something about it.
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